The Day I Lost my Cool
A lady in the dock today
Was charged with causing an affray, Criminal damage, and assault - But swore it was her victims’ fault. The pensioner told our reporter She was shopping with her daughter When a fascia caught her eye: FISH & CHIP’S AT SUPAFRY. “Now, I was taught to spell,” said she, “And handle the Apostrophe! My parents didn’t fight the Hun For all we built to be undone. If we are to be civilised Our English Grammar should be prized. Staring upward, getting madder, I said, ‘Susan, get a ladder.’ Flexing bi- and quadriceps We stole a window-cleaners’s steps. As Susan footed, up I went, And scrubbed until my breath was spent ... In tiny falling flakes of red The rogue apostrophe was dead! Too late the fryer and his queue Ran to the doorway; I and Sue Had quickly taken to our heels ... And then we heard the whoosh of wheels Behind us. How could I resist Copping a pavement cyclist? My blood was up; now I would do Something I always wanted to. My bag of eggs and milk and butter Toppled the blighter in the gutter. What a fracas! What a scene! After the police had been, The paramedics, biker’s Mum, While waiting for a brief to come, I took the chance to really hammer Home the need for proper grammar; Someone had to take a stand To get bad punctuation banned. And as for cycles on the path ...! I vented years of bottled wrath On PC Jones, who didn’t seem To care, and simply let me scream. And so I whacked him with my brolly. Yes, I was a total wally. Yes, I’ve had to pay the price - Six months suspended isn’t nice. But I shall keep a beady eye, Young man, on your report of my Crusade, and I shall tell the nation If you botch your punctuation!” Well, thats us told. Your Editor From now on in will honour her Grammatical authority, And make it’s rules priority. |